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It was one of those strange April nights when the temperature drops twenty degrees from the daytime high of 68, the wind rustles up the new buds on the trees outside, and from out of the darkness, lighting, thunder, and downpours fill the sky. Lola couldn’t sleep. When I got to bed she said, “I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, masturbation, guided meditation, guided masturbation. . .”

“Wait. What is ‘guided masturbation’?”

“Oh, well, I called up a friend and asked him to tell me how he wants me to masturbate,” she said as if it were no big deal.

“You did?”

She nodded her head in affirmation and pouted saying, “But it didn’t help.”

“I bet it helped him. Why didn’t you call me?”

“You were working hard, Daddy.”

“So?” I asked, frustrated by the thought that she’d rather hear inappropriate instructions from one of her suitors than from me.

“Are you still hard at work?” she asked seductively, rubbing my crotch to gauge my state of arousal.

“Work hard, play hard,” I said, as I pulled out my manhood for her to see.

She grabbed it while licking her lips.

“You know I’m not just a sex organ,” I said.

“I think your brain is a sex organ,” she replied as she went down on me.

“In that case, I have a very large sex organ.”

She interrupted her activity to look up at me and say, “And growing larger.”

“I’m not that big,” I said.

“I meant your ego.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m very humble.”

“Looks to me, you have a lot to be humble about,” she said caustically.

“What do you mean?”

She pulled down the sheets to reveal her huge horse-cock dildo on the bed next to her, still glistening.

“I’m so big, wide, and wet that I wouldn’t feel any bit of you.”

“Care to test that hypothesis?”

“I’m stretched to my limit.”

“You have a limit? That’s news to me!”

“‘Limit’ is a flexible term. Like ‘full’ or ‘fucked.’”

“Oh, so it’s elastic?”

“Yeah, it can be used in many different ways.”

“Depends on who’s using it.”

“Right. It takes a lot of abuse, but it is never exhausted.”

“Never wears out.”


“Like this terrible pun.”

“What pun?”

“Are we still talking about ‘limit’?”

“I wasn’t, were you?”

“Darling, you certainly do push the limits.”

“What limits?”

“All of them. But the real question is, why did you call on some other guy for your ‘guided masturbation’ when you could have called upon me?”

“So many married men turn to me for sweet release. I’m a goddess of pussy. I answer to the call of depravity.”

“But you called him!”

“Well, I saw that he had posted a pic of a cumtribution he had made for another girl and he wrote, ‘For my beautiful cum slut.’ I called him to remind him that I am his beautiful cum slut.”

“You think you’re everyone’s beautiful cum slut.”

“Well, aren’t I?”

“Everyone but mine, I guess.”

“Oh, Daddy,” she said, still holding my cock firmly in her hand, “would you make a cumtribution for me? Would you jack it to my photos and cum all over them?”

“Lo, why would I do that when I have you right here, in the flesh?”

“To show me your unfailing love.”

“Lo, I write thousands upon thousands of pages of poetry for you, but you’d rather I grab my masculine member and stroke it until I ejaculate a hot mess over your image?”

“I call it giving tribute to my icon.”

“Because you’re a goddess of pussy.”

“Now you’re turning me on!”

“Those are your words.”

“Well, you feel that way, don’t you?”

“How could I not, darling. It is the truth.”

“So you’ll make an offering at my virtual alter?”

“If you want me to, I will.”


“Whenever you say.”

“No, not now. I want you to do it when I’m away. Now you can enter my holy temple.”

“But I thought I wouldn’t even feel you.”

“You won’t and I won’t feel you, but why should that stop us from fucking?”

I got between her legs and entered her. She was right — it was like a mere mortal entering the pearly gates. However, that only made it more alluring for me. She could tell I was getting turned on.

“Cum inside me,” she said.

“Put your fingers inside you, right where you want me to cum.”

She inserted almost her whole fist along over my cock and I could feel her fingering her G-spot.

“There,” she said, “right there.”

I came and came with force all over her fingers. She gripped my cock with her hand inside her and milked it for every drop.

When I pulled out, she said she was going to clean up. I drifted off on the bed until I heard her calling out for God from the shower. It startled me. I navigated the thick cloud of steam to find her squatting on the shapely bottle of Dove shampoo, rubbing her clit, and cumming uncontrollably. (Do they make the bottles that shape for that purpose or did she buy that brand because of its ergonomic contours? The questions Lo causes me to ask.)

I disappeared into the fogbank as stealthily as I had entered it. I went back to the bed. When she climbed in naked next to me, I held her warm body.

“Just in time,” I said.

“Just in time for what?” she asked.

“Tomorrow is the first of May.”

“Hooray! Hooray! It’s the first of May!” she sung, “Outdoor fucking starts today!”

“No, silly,” I said. “April showers.”

“Oooooh,” she said, “Maybe tomorrow I’ll let you see my pink flower.”

“Me and the rest of the world.”

“A beautiful flower should not be hidden away to be seen only by one man.”

[From the blog:]

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Just your average nymphomaniac next door. I love fan mail:

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