Cumtributes in the Age of Coronavirus

Lola Down
7 min readJun 2, 2020
NJ Couple Enjoying Match, Cinder & Spark

[We interrupt our regularly scheduled mini-series, “Mount Bliss,” to bring you this article, published in the June issue of ENM Magazine (Ethical Non-Monogamy).]

“Will you just look at that,” I said as I stared at my computer screen. Lo sat across from me at the breakfast table, scrolling through her phone, appraising photos from her fans. The thought crossed my mind that she peruses the tributes the way some middle-aged men from a different era might go through the morning newspaper.

“Ahem,” I said a little louder, “Would you just look at that.”

She pulled her nose up from out of her phone. “What’s that dear?” she asked politely.

I turned my screen around for her to see.

Applicant does not present live performances of a prurient sexual nature or derive directly or indirectly more than de minimis gross revenue through the sale of products or services, or the presentation of any depictions or displays, of a prurient sexual nature.

“Hmmmm,” she grunted, half-heartedly.

“Do you know what that is?”

“I don’t.”

“I have to agree to it if I want to be considered for the Payroll Protection Program.”

“So, making money from our books, blog, and calendars disqualifies you?”

“I’m insulted!”

“You’re right. Those damn Puritan bastards.”

“No, I’m insulted by you! You think that my art, my literature, my philosophy of the bedroom is of a prurient sexual nature?”

“Of course not, dear. It is only interpreted that way. Just like me.”

“That’s better,” I said in approval.

“And you certainly don’t derive any gross revenue from it.”

“Do you mean gross as in disgusting or as in a large amount?”

“Yes,” she said, dismissively, returning to the photos on her phone.

I completed the application and she started flirting with me by placing her bare foot between my legs under the table, as she often does with guys she dates.

“Why do you want me now?” I asked.

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